an update (?) on Brianna Denison

The tragic rape and murder of Brianna Denison is back in the news. CNN picked up on it , the others followed.
Here's the thing (or the non-thing): there's no new news - not really. The headline is "Serial Rapist Suspected in Student's Slaying". Um, they've suspected that for a while. Since the media only reports what is current and won't touch a story that is a week old, I was re-reading the story over and over again trying to figure out where the "news" was.
CNN says that the police have been able to link a sample of blood taken from her pillow to another case in the area from December. The Post Chronicle states that they are looking for a 45 year old man and that they have surveillance video of his truck. According to the Reno Police Department he was a "person of interest, not a suspect". Since the media coverage does not mention "new" evidence, I'm confused why they didn't bring him in before. There must be new evidence as they didn't just stumble upon the DNA match.
It infuriates me when the media leaves gaping holes in their reporting. I can't find anything new in this story - if I cut and pasted the past year of media coverage, it would be this article.
I would like to recycle some old news of my own: the city turned down supporting (and threatened to shut down) a safety seminar produced by safety experts in Reno who put their sweat, tears and money into organizing a conference to give their community information, inspiration and some piece of mind. The local papers also turned down a national anti-sexual assault organizations's attempts to help Reno as well. Oops, the college turned me down too. Since then, two other assaults have occurred. That's all.

when the media writes: WIVB TV Buffalo NY

I have daily Google alert emails for "rape" and "sexual assault". Sadly, not a day goes by when I don't receive both emails.
One of today's stories is about the arraignment of a 17 year old who raped a teenaged store clerk in Buffalo, NY.
I want to focus on a segment of WIVB Channel 4 news report:
NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. (WIVB) - ...Anthony Markel is accused of assaulting and raping a teenaged clerk at Watson's Chocolate Shop in Pine Plaza Niagara Falls. He has also been charged with a predatory sexual assault, a very serious charge.
Um, I'm sorry, is rape not a very serious charge? Let's write this in plain English and be crystal clear about what this man is accused of: rape, assault and predatory sexual assault - which means that he assaulted or threatened her with a weapon. In this case, it was a butcher's knife.
I'm sorry - WTF? Yes, bad things happen every day but why, why don't we spend some money in this country to study the behavior of a 17 year old boy who walks into a store, has his friend be the watch man, picks up a butcher's knife and attacks a young girl?
I have no more words for this one except bail was set at 250,000. Let's watch this one as he is 17 years old. I'm guessing he gets less than 10. Leroy Johnson was 17 when he and his buddy attacked Kelly McGillis and her roommate at knifepoint. He served less than 4 years, went on to attack a few more women, threatened the President, before raping me and my roommate. Please tell me where we are making progress.

What's 440 years in prison?

It's the number of years that each count of sexual assault, home invasion and stalking amounts to in the sentencing of former Bloomington, IL police officer Jeff Pelo. And while it is, by law, the maximum sentence for this rapist, it is also a statement that the Bloomington community is ready to elevate rape as serious as a murder.

Why, you may ask, do some rapists get four years, and others get 40? Contrary to popular belief, it is not their past records (depending on the case and how many years a previous offense was), but the number of charges against them for this case. Think of it as a recipe (as one of my detectives told me): breaking and entering is x number of years, burgulary carries x years, and rape is not just 10, or 5, or 3 years. Sodomy is x years, vaginal penetration is x years, and so on.

I mention this because as horrible and awfully mean it seems, if survivors knew how important remembering each crime is to having the rapist charged for the longest sentence possible, then it might make the process of remembering, documenting, seeking help just a tiny bit easier. Every cell of your being is fighting to protect yourself from remembering, but if there is one fiber that says, if I can say it to someone I could some day be vindicated, it will help. If you can extract yourself from the equation - as many survivors float over their own history and detatch themselves to deal with the pain and death of who they once were - and think that there may be others and that remembering may greatly affect another person's history, that helps too.

I was all about helping other people because it was too painful to remember me. While it wasn't healthy the way I trampled all over myself, I did good work for others and that I can be proud of. I do even better work now that I've owned my history. What has been taken away must be reconstructed - and never pieced back quite the way it was before - because there is no "going back".

The media talks about scars - it's not just scars, it's finding yourself invisible. Homeless. Displaced. And hating yourself along the way, not because you blame yourself (some may), but because you haven't pulled it together. That pressure we put on ourselves is sponsored in part by "real life heroes" on talk shows (not the survivors, the TV producers) and the myths that one you say it, once the rapist is caught, there is an end. There is never an end. The only thing that ended is the life that rapist took away - the "before". And while we don't dwell in the past, it is sometimes necessary to remember it, to own it, and to share it with others.

Kristy Mills and Jonelle Galuska asked that their names be released to the press. Thousands of survivors, including myself, thank you for being so honest and paving the way for other survivors to shed light on what it's really like in that court room - what it means to be able to give an impact statement - what it means to have your voice heard. Because my case was based on DNA evidence, I could not go public. And if you go back in my blog, you will find my livid posts about the rapist being in the papers every day - while I had to do what goes against everything I am as a survivor - I had to be silent.

No- sentencing is not a day of celebration, it doesn't heal or make the rape go away, but it gets the rapist off the street and protects the rest of us from potentially being their next victim. Because there always is.

RAINN - connect the drops

I'm giving a little shout out to Director of all things important and relevant *here* (yes on our watch, Mr. Clooney) Miss Kate Hull from RAINN who in just a few days covered more ground hitting up every media outlet in LA than an A-lister promoting their "Oscar written all over it" performance of the year. In a good way.
I had never met Kate, and finding out that she would be in town just a day before I returned from CT made me rethink my departure date. But then I wouldn't have been in the room for the sonogram and would have missed all that amazingness. In the end, Kate stayed on through the weekend so I got the chance to meet the woman who sends all good speaking things my way and who knew she would be so darn adorable? She's the kind of friend you give a spare set of keys to (eek, no pun intended), who gets lots of flowers on their birthday, and who shares my love of Mark Ruffalo, Scott Speedman, Netflix obssessions and black labs.
I know- is there a point to this post other than loving Kate and RAINN? Well to tie it in a bow, I was just thinking about this little community we have here that's always better than I ever expected. It makes my job that much easier, that much more dire, that much more sane. Oh yeah - and just another reminder that we are fun people. We tend to love life, and that's what makes it so very necessary to protect it. On our soil.
Have you read about RAINN's online hotline ? Did you know that you can literally go to the site and chat with a trained professional online? These things are not easy, and RAINN just made it that much more accessible and easier for a survivor to get the help and information they need. I certainly didn't know. Rape doesn't come with a handbook but these programs that we so desperately need to support help millions of people a year. Please read up, volunteer, donate money - it's happened to someone you love. This much we know is true for everyone.

Thinking Thursdays: how i ended up like a kite stuck a tree

when i was a freshman in college, my friends worried that if and when a rainstorm descended upon on gotham, I'd end up like a kite in a tree. They'd say "Marnie, you'll blow away; how will we find you?" After my 6:30pm TU and TH Art History class, I'd walk the perimeter of the park because it was safer and farther away from the trees. Of course they were kidding but I did walk around the park instead of through it. I suppose I was afraid of getting lost, stuck, or worse, forgotten.

I was just washing dishes and watching the bubbles circle down the drain. My mind wanders when washing dishes - as much as I hate the way they can build up - I find the chore cathartic. I was thinking that I needed to reply to an email from a friend, my best friend's ex boyfriend, who's been traveling so much for business it's been months of failed attempts to get together.

And then I remembered the stick of butter.

A stick of butter reminds me of Adam for when I was anorexic from self-destructive behavior trying to find me after the me was gone, Adam and Tracey would cook me breakfast with a half a stick of butter in hopes that I would re-appear. If you've read anything about anorexia, the person literally cannot see the weight they've lost. Because it's always in vogue, oftentimes people mistake anorexics for people desperate for attention. The irony is that they are fading away before your eyes and they can't see it. Another kind of Disappearing in America

A few days ago I blogged about how staying healthy can be painful (dentist?), expensive and time consuming. It's a lifetime commitment and there's no faster, quicker or safer way to do it. Like love and respect, it needs your attention, consideration, time and effort to understand how it really works. And how you have to really work at it.

A weird factoid about the media and their every day reporting of the trial: when I gave my impact statement - even The New York Times focused on my one word mention of becoming anorexic after the rape. I did say it, so the reporting was accurate, but of all the things I had to say in a two page typed statement: the anorexia? really? yeah, really. it's a bite, a tag word - it was tragic and they capitilized on it. I'd like to send that reporter a big tub of butter because of all the things I said in that courtroom in front of a judge, jury, friends, family, reporters and the person who attacked me, they chose to focus on the fat.

the double edged post: Helprapevictim's online cry for help

I think all survivors are saddened by Crystal's story knowing all too well that posting a video plea for help on YouTube is a dangerous way to speak out. While I don't suggest another survivor taking this course of action, the good - the people who can and will help Crystal may outweigh the vacuous and uneducated responses to her video post. It certainly outweighs silence. The online outlet is just a very vulnerable place to be heard. With internet laws virtually non-existent, the post is permanent...like rape.

While it wasn't her intention to do so, Crystal opened a dialogue, not only about injustices and gaping holes in our legal system between those who want to help and are fighting for change, and those who live in a black hole. There are many, particularly our younger generations that treat message boards and postings like a video game. I hate to think of this young woman reading trash comments - they only have weight if you let them. For the survivor, they are to be ignored. For the activists and those working to break this cycle, they are a fine study in exactly where our country is in terms of knowing the facts about rape, condoning it and blaming the victim.

To Crystal: we are here for you. RAINN is here for you. You will never be alone. Our society is not into admitting that we have a problem and are in need a very dire and long overdue reality check because no one likes to talk about what we can seem to fix. Unfortunately in the court of law, it may not work out the way that it should. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with good people, and find the strength to shake off harsh criticism. That's not what this is about.

Protect your privacy and allow yourself to heal by the hands who can help you. Justice does not always come in the form of a prison sentence. It should, but it doesn't yet, so we learn, seek and form other outlets and alliances.

Why not (the rape t-shirt)

© 2008 Heather Corinna, courtesy of http://www.scarleteen.com/

Is a bold statement worth the price?

This is a tough one. First of all, CNN.com got the story all kinds of wrong (all they had to do was visit the web site).

So if you haven't heard - or seen - here's the story about a t-shirt that's got everyone talking on the 7th day of Sexual Assault Awareness Month:

"You've seen fashion statements before, but not like this: "I was raped." That's what it says on T-shirts for sale on the Seattle-based Web site Scarleteen.com . The shirts - pale pink depicting an open safe and a tiny, almost illegible note-card bearing those three words - are going for $25 via the sex-ed site. Promoters are hoping the shirts will help break the don't-talk-about-it stigma sometimes felt by rape victims, and maybe help with the healing process. Picture Scarleteen.com's Heather Corinna models the shirt. Courtesy photo/scarleteen.com Scarleteen.com operator Heather Corinna survived rape as a young girl, and she wrote in an e-mail earlier today that she wears the T-shirt because "anything and everything we can do to break that silence is critically important. "If any woman around me had voiced that she was raped - with her voice or with something like this shirt - I think that as a girl, my road to becoming a survivor might have been a lot less rocky and felt a lot less terrifying and shameful," she wrote.

The T-shirt got some play in a New York Times article today, mostly focusing on Brooklyn-based activist Jennifer Baumgardner, who designed the shirt. "So many people who've been raped tend to doubt the experience," Baumgardner said in the article. "I do think it's often empowering for women and men to own that experience and divest themselves of some of the shame and secrecy of it -- and realize that they're not the ones that should be ashamed," she said. Baumgardner speaks at college campuses often, and she's planning on distributing the shirts at those events, according to the story. The activist stirred up some controversy in the past when she designed and promoted a shirt featuring the words: "I had an abortion." ....What do you think about the shirt?"

What do I think about the shirt?

Here's a few thoughts--

- I give it a point for making me have more than a few thoughts on the subject thus leading to a rare-Monday blog entry.

-I don't feel a heart beat :-/ I see feminist with a capital F. And that's fine, but I think it's just poor execution of a maybe could have been a good idea.

-This has publicity written all over it. Good publicity to raise awareness? Yeah, kind of but also the kind of shock rocking publicity that loses its message in the electricity. It shifts focus from the real issue (rape still being a taboo subject) to the act of doing something controversial. And then it's forgotten.

- My two biggest problems with it: there's a time to be bold - and to me that's connecting with non-survivors, this type of exposure - and merch meant to be purchased by survivors may have a potentially adverse affect on them. It's a very private and personal experience. To go or be public is really what the clothesline project is all about it's your own tshirt - your own experience.

-You need to be careful with things like this - people will buy them for the wrong reasons and then it becomes a joke. "I was raped" is no laughing matter.

-It's pink thus clearly geared towards women. Men are sexually assaulted too. Anything that classifies rape as a women's issue is a BIG problem for me. It's counterproductive and coming from a woman, it's endorsing rape as a female thing. Not okay.

-Lastly but not by any means least, I initially thought the image was a microwave. So that's just another kind of wrong.

Soo, what do you think of the shirt?

Crazy settles in Reno

Yesterday morning, I received an email for a speaking op in Reno, NV. Didn't take more than the city name to know this was for the beautiful 19 year old Brianna Denison, who was kidnapped, raped and murdered by what police officials think is a serial rapist. I reached out to the contact who is organizing an event on safety and awareness in honor of Brianna and to support a community who is afraid to leave their homes. The free event is on Sunday, April 27th in Reno and is open to anyone who wants to learn more about safety, awareness, DNA evidence, or simply to be there for Brianna. Believe me, just being present goes a long way.
It will happen a million times over and I'll still be blown away by people's generousity. These folks are well on their way to a very comprehensive and crucial event for a city frozen in fear. I am proud to be a part of the day and am working on getting some additional support and connect to Brianna's college. Two cities hurting by the loss of one girl her mom nicknamed "Breezy" because she was "like a breath of fresh air". My heart hurts. I was pinning together a recycled vintage dress when I spoke at length to the organizers. My pinning stopped; my plans for the evening and for the next month took a very different turn. Some people take vacations to sunny places. I live in a sunny place and take vacations to bring some light to darner corners. At least I hope that's what I'm doing.
I talk a lot about media perception versus the real world. In the real world, 1 in 4 women will be assaulted by the time they graduate college. There will be many who will say, or think, "Oh I wouldn't have done that! Whatever that is: go out alone, forget to lock a door, or in my case, walk home from work. Really? I'm not saying you shouldn't be aware of your surroundings, but you will never know what you will do until it happens to you. These are false perceptions that it can't happen to you because you are stronger, smarter, quicker, savvier than others. Pray that it doesn't. Start by stopping - the cycle of blame, the myths, the people who prey. Get their MO: we've got their number. Call it.

When the media writes

graphic courtesy of Takebackthenews.com

The first time I really broke down after the trial was when I was trying to go public with my story. I have a lot of media friends and friends who's friends are producers for CNN, Paula Z., The Today Show, etc. One producer is from my home town. I was lead on, ignored, and lied to by many (journalists, not friends). While waiting for the verdict at the courthouse, a close friend put me in touch with a non-profit publicist who said he was "thrilled to help me me go public". We exchanged calls, emails and then he stopped writing; I never heard from him again. This happened when I was spending my days in a NYC courthouse. When I called the NYC AP desk, I was transferred to a writer who said to me, "Why now?" I naively thought he meant what brought me to the point in my life where I wanted to share my story in a very public way. What he really meant was, "What's the news in this? It happened over a month ago, lady." The irony was so thick, like black smoke expelled in my face, that I could hardly breathe. I'm not being overdramatic. I didn't really cry during the trial; I cried when I was mistreated by the media.
The irony is that during the trial "my story"--the one I wasn't allowed to comment on-- was in every g-d damned newspaper from here to South Africa--every day. Now Riker's Island Number ##### was able to say his piece, the people representing the case said their share, but for us, we were asked to remain silent: a contridiction in terms for unlocked survivors. I understand that since we were "witnesses", it wasn't the best time to speak to the media. But in between the time of the verdict and the sentencing, legislation pressing to overturn NY State's archaic statue of limitations finally made it to Albany. My case had been cited by Robert Morgenthaul not once, but twice in effort to correct the law as it applies to present day. Still I couldn't speak, and nothing would have brought me more solace during that very difficult time then to help overturn a law that would bring us some justice and hope for those cold case DNA hits like mine. I was a witness in my own case, which I found out, wasn't really my case at all. And so it was only a month later that I was able to contact the media to which they collectively replied "too late". So I--my story--sold newspapers for them every day---but no one was interested in hearing my story a month later? Really?

I decided that going public by the media's terms and conditions would be a double edged sword: I'll comment on things and be interviewed for specific causes, laws, events that are meaningful and relevant to my story and helping others, but I won't give my story away like a virgin. Living in Los Angeles, I know all too well how stories get turned on their heads. For once I wanted to control and own "my story". So I took it back. I'm now writing in a medium that I have control over (here, and in a much bigger, silver form) The story will be told, on my terms and conditions.
I am thinking about the media and it's irresponsible reporting on the tragic death of Heath Ledger. Speculation, feeding the masses, selling papers: our American greed is once again spiriling out of control. It will be 10 days until his death is determined and every day there will be more speculation, rumours, random religious freaks coming out of their comas to comment on his death. Mixing prescription medicine is a "hot topic" as is how we treat depression. Journalists and media reporters have a responsibility to report on the known facts of an event. A sassy tagline that has clickability about someone dying is irresponsible and shameful. Karma, in the form of a computer with a sad face, can be messy. Kind of like a pen exploding in the bottom of your bag, except far worse.
To those who are camping outside the Broome Street apartment, and were there to "greet" Michelle Williams, it's a horrible thing that you do. It happened to me back in 1996 and no one could go home. We were displaced by the media. Gee, thanks. This has happened to other survivor friends of mine. Do you realize that your "need" to get the juiciest details, the sharpest photos, have forced survivors out of their homes? Just thought you might want to know.
There are many responsible journalists, and there are also organizations that are on to the ones who aren't. Take Back The News is a fantastic organization that gives survivors a place to tell their own story, calls journalists out on misrepresentation, speculation and erroneous information, and raises awareness so that more accurate reporting will lead to more survivors coming forward, seeking help, pressing charges, and debunking the too too many myths that exist today. Not 40 years ago, today.
One last thought: remember Princess Diana. For a moment I will speculate and say that she would most likely hope that no one else suffers the same fate that she did.

The Latest Craze From Cruise

Photo courtesy of the fabulous GalleryoftheAbsurd.com

I'm sure thousands of bloggers are weighing in on Tom Cruise's interview discussing his er, relationship with Scientology. I've heard enough first hand stories of friends being lured into the house of Scientology under the guise of "acting classes" to make me shudder every time I pass the "Celebrity" Scientology Centre. Any religion that forces you to stay in a "class" or "get tested" against your will ain't good. As an Angeleno who doesn't even drive that much, I still see accidents happen every day. When was the last time you heard of Tommy, or any celebrity Scientologist for that matter, helping a victim of a car accident, or even a kitten from a palm tree? According to TC, they are the only ones who "truly can help and have the knowledge, because in an instant, they know what to do" (I'm paraphrasing here--I can't bare to go back and watch it again).
I could go on with all the inconsistencies in that interview, but what irked me is that celebrities know that they are emulated by adults and children alike, and despite the cameras (oh spare me), they lead a very charmed life. For many, and I speak from extremely personal experience, it wasn't easy to "arrive". When I worked in the music industry, we used to laugh when our artists were proclaimed "The Best New Musician" in Rolling Stone or the like. There was nothing new about them except that people other than their 500+ fans, including friends and family, were listening to them now. Money talks, and people drink the Kool-Aid.

Until Scientologists show some substantial proof that they can heal the world, celeb scientologists have a social responsibility to tame the crazy. We get it: people are listening to you. Do you get it? It's part of your job, as is dressing in designer clothing, going to premiere parties and telling us what brand of toothpaste we should buy. Jessica Alba just got paid a whole lotta dough to tell me that if I like her shade of Revlon foundation, not to ask for it, because it's hers. Okaaay.
To say that one can't "pretend to know Scientology; you better know it!" from a group that is a closed religion that largely hides their secret sauce is elitist and just, well, wrong. As a survivor, I am sensitive to the fact that non-survivors may not understand how it really feels to be a survivor. Hence why I am here and I do what I do. I don't hold people up to the same ethics that I have for myself as that would be to say that mine are the best, the only way one should live their life. Wow.
As a public survivor, it is my responsibility to give accurate information, to provide help and guidance. Oh, and to bring attention to fact that we've got a much bigger problem going on here in the US of A that we should be healing and paying attention to before we give aid to all the countries that are not like us. Because we are so progressive? I know I have more rights than most women in the world, but that doesn't mean that the scales are balanced. Read a few posts and let me know if you think we're really all that savvy. Or let me remind you that 1 in 4 college students will be assaulted by the time they graduate. That, and a diploma is what your parents paid for, or you are still paying students debts off for. There's a lot that can be done, without having to bow down to my "stringent code of ethics" or wear Nike track pants in eight different colors the way I do.
I'm sorry but social responsibility is no laughing matter. Let me edit that: I am not sorry at all.

Keep praying Zerola

I think the good book is missing some pages... (Tori Amos) Photo: AP/Boston Herald

One of People Magazine's "Most Eligible Bachelors" and "The Bachelor" tryout, Gary Zerola, is in a Boston courtroom facing back-to-back rape charges. Here is Zerola "hiding" behind a bible. I love how quickly murders and rapists get behind God. I'm just curious why people who practice aren't pissed at those who abuse their religion. Instead many (many) embrace rapists who have "found" God. Ack, don't get me started on that one.
Let's get started on how the media is focusing on Zerola's good looks, as if you need to be ugly to have a black heart. I fail to see the relevance; do you? After this special appearance, he'll take his dark looks and love of drugging, beating and raping young women to a Florida courtroom, where he'll deny raping another young woman while he was while free on bail in the Massachusetts assaults. Brilliant.
Friends say that he is a man who has "dedicated himself to helping children". Such reliable witnesses; friends that is. Why bother? Of course his friends are going to say that he heals the bay and helps elderly women across the street. Lord.
My personal favorite tid-bit about Mr. Zerola? He was a state prosecutor on child abuse and domestic violence. Ooh, and he started his own volunteer organization. Great. Still a rapist.

Did you think they're all ugly on the outside? "Bachelor" Serial Rapist

The more our government perpetuates the belief that rapists are scary looking boogie men (Halloween sex offender lock down??), the harder it is for us to identify the real characteristics of a serial rapist. They can be creatures of habit, oftentimes cunning, attractive, succesful and yes, charming. "Oh, he doesn't look like a rapist!" What exactly does a rapist look like? Here's a good look at one here who was a season one candidate for ABC reality TV show "The Bachelor". Charming, indeed.
The Boston Channel reports that Gary Zerola, who is charged with rape and attempted rape of two 19-year old women in 2004 and 2006 is also facing charges of drugging raping another 18 year old.
"..he took the woman back to his apartment and slammed her head against a door and knocked a phone from her hand as she tried to dial 911." To read the entire story, click here
We don't need the TV; that's reality right there.
Let's hope Mr. Zerola gets more than 12 months so that he is not released to repeat his charming behavior on multiple other women. I'm sure he already has.

how it really happens

The survivor community is very connected to each other; or maybe I just got really lucky in that area. at some point, we cross each others paths; some become friends, others become family. many times we talk about the pieces of our lives that have been changed in positive ways, like invaluable gifts along a heavy road we walk upon. It's as essential and as pure as water and in my mind, it is absolutely meant to be.

A few days before I flew to NYC for the trial (if you are not familiar, read here), David fell asleep watching TV and awoke to a Dateline story. The next morning on my desk was a sticky note that read "Dateline. Liz. UVA. 'The Letter'. 21 Years Later. Stars." I looked up Liz's web site and thought, "What a strong woman. What an amazing family." I read her story. At some point you'd think you've heard all the stories; it never happens. Liz's story was unfolding 21 years later just as mine had, only it had been 10 years for me. Liz looked like someone I knew. I searched on her contact page trying to figure out where she was from; she was someone I wanted to meet. She was strong, magnetic and determined. I packed the piece of Liz that David gave me in my suitcase and went off to the trial.

A few weeks after I returned from over a month in NYC (trial + sentencing), I received an email from a friend of mine who wanted to put me in touch with another survivor; she thought we might be able to support each other: me, having gone through a trial, and her, having gone through media chutes and ladders. That woman was Liz. In October we met in person, and the rest is our history. We are from the same hometown, we work in the same industry, and now she is very much a part of my heart.

Liz has had more than her share of media attention and if I am ever able to debunk any myth that tries to label her, I will do so. She has received such scrunity for, well, doing what every mother and father taught us to do before we could spell our own names: call for help. After all, a crime committed and crimes DO NOT diminish in severity with time. Are we clear on that point? Because there are many people who aren't getting that it is not the survivor who's under the microscope; it's the person who committed the crime.

In speaking to high school students, I've been asked if I would ever forgive the man who raped me. I have the engagement on tape and can hear a long breath drawn in as I considered the question. My heart told me "no"; as this person is beyond rehabilitation. As sad as it may be, while I don't stew in anger, it's simply not the way I feel. I have peace in knowing that I have done my part in assuring that he never harms another person. As the judge said, "Since you have shown no remorse, I do not feel your sentence should have any either."

Survivors get a lot of "Couldn't you just have?" or "Well that chapter is over"; people who want to believe that if it had been them, they could have prevented it. These are dangerous thoughts with a false sense of protection. You see it every time you watch a news reporter interview someone who's survived trauma. While it is everyone's responsibility to be cautious, it is never about what I did do/didn't do; it's what they did. That seems like such a simple concept. It is our society's responsibility to be honest about our current situation. What kind of steps do we take, as men and women, to treat each other with respect? It starts young, and personally I think the key is education and active participation. Awareness is good, but light years away from prevention.

It's a tangent, but if I may circle back to Liz, she set a precedent that it is never to late to trust in our legal system, it is never to late to report a crime (in her case, again) If you were ever looking for that open door, she opened it for you. So bless her for that, and all that she gives survivors.

What you also may not know is that Liz is funny as hell, so if I'm needing a laugh, I'll probably go here. Lucky me; I can call her too.