Junior League of Los Angeles Safety and Mythbuster Workshop

FACT: I will never stand in front of a computer monitor while speaking again.

In almost all photos, I look like I have enormous hips.

Many thanks to Jan Le Chang and the training committee for allowing me to be a part of the first super-training workshop series. I'm still learning that one hour is not enough :-)
I love that we had so many people that the seats spilled out of the Board Room. You guys already know how much I value being a part of such an amazing group of women. I hope I was able to shed some light many myths and fill them in with the real facts about sexual assault and protecting our community. It's more than just common sense - it's activism. Here's just one more fact for you (according to O Magazine): people who volunteer are 42% more likely than people who don't to say they are "very happy" with their lives.

Crazy settles in Reno

Yesterday morning, I received an email for a speaking op in Reno, NV. Didn't take more than the city name to know this was for the beautiful 19 year old Brianna Denison, who was kidnapped, raped and murdered by what police officials think is a serial rapist. I reached out to the contact who is organizing an event on safety and awareness in honor of Brianna and to support a community who is afraid to leave their homes. The free event is on Sunday, April 27th in Reno and is open to anyone who wants to learn more about safety, awareness, DNA evidence, or simply to be there for Brianna. Believe me, just being present goes a long way.
It will happen a million times over and I'll still be blown away by people's generousity. These folks are well on their way to a very comprehensive and crucial event for a city frozen in fear. I am proud to be a part of the day and am working on getting some additional support and connect to Brianna's college. Two cities hurting by the loss of one girl her mom nicknamed "Breezy" because she was "like a breath of fresh air". My heart hurts. I was pinning together a recycled vintage dress when I spoke at length to the organizers. My pinning stopped; my plans for the evening and for the next month took a very different turn. Some people take vacations to sunny places. I live in a sunny place and take vacations to bring some light to darner corners. At least I hope that's what I'm doing.
I talk a lot about media perception versus the real world. In the real world, 1 in 4 women will be assaulted by the time they graduate college. There will be many who will say, or think, "Oh I wouldn't have done that! Whatever that is: go out alone, forget to lock a door, or in my case, walk home from work. Really? I'm not saying you shouldn't be aware of your surroundings, but you will never know what you will do until it happens to you. These are false perceptions that it can't happen to you because you are stronger, smarter, quicker, savvier than others. Pray that it doesn't. Start by stopping - the cycle of blame, the myths, the people who prey. Get their MO: we've got their number. Call it.

When the media writes

graphic courtesy of Takebackthenews.com

The first time I really broke down after the trial was when I was trying to go public with my story. I have a lot of media friends and friends who's friends are producers for CNN, Paula Z., The Today Show, etc. One producer is from my home town. I was lead on, ignored, and lied to by many (journalists, not friends). While waiting for the verdict at the courthouse, a close friend put me in touch with a non-profit publicist who said he was "thrilled to help me me go public". We exchanged calls, emails and then he stopped writing; I never heard from him again. This happened when I was spending my days in a NYC courthouse. When I called the NYC AP desk, I was transferred to a writer who said to me, "Why now?" I naively thought he meant what brought me to the point in my life where I wanted to share my story in a very public way. What he really meant was, "What's the news in this? It happened over a month ago, lady." The irony was so thick, like black smoke expelled in my face, that I could hardly breathe. I'm not being overdramatic. I didn't really cry during the trial; I cried when I was mistreated by the media.
The irony is that during the trial "my story"--the one I wasn't allowed to comment on-- was in every g-d damned newspaper from here to South Africa--every day. Now Riker's Island Number ##### was able to say his piece, the people representing the case said their share, but for us, we were asked to remain silent: a contridiction in terms for unlocked survivors. I understand that since we were "witnesses", it wasn't the best time to speak to the media. But in between the time of the verdict and the sentencing, legislation pressing to overturn NY State's archaic statue of limitations finally made it to Albany. My case had been cited by Robert Morgenthaul not once, but twice in effort to correct the law as it applies to present day. Still I couldn't speak, and nothing would have brought me more solace during that very difficult time then to help overturn a law that would bring us some justice and hope for those cold case DNA hits like mine. I was a witness in my own case, which I found out, wasn't really my case at all. And so it was only a month later that I was able to contact the media to which they collectively replied "too late". So I--my story--sold newspapers for them every day---but no one was interested in hearing my story a month later? Really?

I decided that going public by the media's terms and conditions would be a double edged sword: I'll comment on things and be interviewed for specific causes, laws, events that are meaningful and relevant to my story and helping others, but I won't give my story away like a virgin. Living in Los Angeles, I know all too well how stories get turned on their heads. For once I wanted to control and own "my story". So I took it back. I'm now writing in a medium that I have control over (here, and in a much bigger, silver form) The story will be told, on my terms and conditions.
I am thinking about the media and it's irresponsible reporting on the tragic death of Heath Ledger. Speculation, feeding the masses, selling papers: our American greed is once again spiriling out of control. It will be 10 days until his death is determined and every day there will be more speculation, rumours, random religious freaks coming out of their comas to comment on his death. Mixing prescription medicine is a "hot topic" as is how we treat depression. Journalists and media reporters have a responsibility to report on the known facts of an event. A sassy tagline that has clickability about someone dying is irresponsible and shameful. Karma, in the form of a computer with a sad face, can be messy. Kind of like a pen exploding in the bottom of your bag, except far worse.
To those who are camping outside the Broome Street apartment, and were there to "greet" Michelle Williams, it's a horrible thing that you do. It happened to me back in 1996 and no one could go home. We were displaced by the media. Gee, thanks. This has happened to other survivor friends of mine. Do you realize that your "need" to get the juiciest details, the sharpest photos, have forced survivors out of their homes? Just thought you might want to know.
There are many responsible journalists, and there are also organizations that are on to the ones who aren't. Take Back The News is a fantastic organization that gives survivors a place to tell their own story, calls journalists out on misrepresentation, speculation and erroneous information, and raises awareness so that more accurate reporting will lead to more survivors coming forward, seeking help, pressing charges, and debunking the too too many myths that exist today. Not 40 years ago, today.
One last thought: remember Princess Diana. For a moment I will speculate and say that she would most likely hope that no one else suffers the same fate that she did.

Keep praying Zerola

I think the good book is missing some pages... (Tori Amos) Photo: AP/Boston Herald

One of People Magazine's "Most Eligible Bachelors" and "The Bachelor" tryout, Gary Zerola, is in a Boston courtroom facing back-to-back rape charges. Here is Zerola "hiding" behind a bible. I love how quickly murders and rapists get behind God. I'm just curious why people who practice aren't pissed at those who abuse their religion. Instead many (many) embrace rapists who have "found" God. Ack, don't get me started on that one.
Let's get started on how the media is focusing on Zerola's good looks, as if you need to be ugly to have a black heart. I fail to see the relevance; do you? After this special appearance, he'll take his dark looks and love of drugging, beating and raping young women to a Florida courtroom, where he'll deny raping another young woman while he was while free on bail in the Massachusetts assaults. Brilliant.
Friends say that he is a man who has "dedicated himself to helping children". Such reliable witnesses; friends that is. Why bother? Of course his friends are going to say that he heals the bay and helps elderly women across the street. Lord.
My personal favorite tid-bit about Mr. Zerola? He was a state prosecutor on child abuse and domestic violence. Ooh, and he started his own volunteer organization. Great. Still a rapist.

Did you think they're all ugly on the outside? "Bachelor" Serial Rapist

The more our government perpetuates the belief that rapists are scary looking boogie men (Halloween sex offender lock down??), the harder it is for us to identify the real characteristics of a serial rapist. They can be creatures of habit, oftentimes cunning, attractive, succesful and yes, charming. "Oh, he doesn't look like a rapist!" What exactly does a rapist look like? Here's a good look at one here who was a season one candidate for ABC reality TV show "The Bachelor". Charming, indeed.
The Boston Channel reports that Gary Zerola, who is charged with rape and attempted rape of two 19-year old women in 2004 and 2006 is also facing charges of drugging raping another 18 year old.
"..he took the woman back to his apartment and slammed her head against a door and knocked a phone from her hand as she tried to dial 911." To read the entire story, click here
We don't need the TV; that's reality right there.
Let's hope Mr. Zerola gets more than 12 months so that he is not released to repeat his charming behavior on multiple other women. I'm sure he already has.

how it really happens

The survivor community is very connected to each other; or maybe I just got really lucky in that area. at some point, we cross each others paths; some become friends, others become family. many times we talk about the pieces of our lives that have been changed in positive ways, like invaluable gifts along a heavy road we walk upon. It's as essential and as pure as water and in my mind, it is absolutely meant to be.

A few days before I flew to NYC for the trial (if you are not familiar, read here), David fell asleep watching TV and awoke to a Dateline story. The next morning on my desk was a sticky note that read "Dateline. Liz. UVA. 'The Letter'. 21 Years Later. Stars." I looked up Liz's web site and thought, "What a strong woman. What an amazing family." I read her story. At some point you'd think you've heard all the stories; it never happens. Liz's story was unfolding 21 years later just as mine had, only it had been 10 years for me. Liz looked like someone I knew. I searched on her contact page trying to figure out where she was from; she was someone I wanted to meet. She was strong, magnetic and determined. I packed the piece of Liz that David gave me in my suitcase and went off to the trial.

A few weeks after I returned from over a month in NYC (trial + sentencing), I received an email from a friend of mine who wanted to put me in touch with another survivor; she thought we might be able to support each other: me, having gone through a trial, and her, having gone through media chutes and ladders. That woman was Liz. In October we met in person, and the rest is our history. We are from the same hometown, we work in the same industry, and now she is very much a part of my heart.

Liz has had more than her share of media attention and if I am ever able to debunk any myth that tries to label her, I will do so. She has received such scrunity for, well, doing what every mother and father taught us to do before we could spell our own names: call for help. After all, a crime committed and crimes DO NOT diminish in severity with time. Are we clear on that point? Because there are many people who aren't getting that it is not the survivor who's under the microscope; it's the person who committed the crime.

In speaking to high school students, I've been asked if I would ever forgive the man who raped me. I have the engagement on tape and can hear a long breath drawn in as I considered the question. My heart told me "no"; as this person is beyond rehabilitation. As sad as it may be, while I don't stew in anger, it's simply not the way I feel. I have peace in knowing that I have done my part in assuring that he never harms another person. As the judge said, "Since you have shown no remorse, I do not feel your sentence should have any either."

Survivors get a lot of "Couldn't you just have?" or "Well that chapter is over"; people who want to believe that if it had been them, they could have prevented it. These are dangerous thoughts with a false sense of protection. You see it every time you watch a news reporter interview someone who's survived trauma. While it is everyone's responsibility to be cautious, it is never about what I did do/didn't do; it's what they did. That seems like such a simple concept. It is our society's responsibility to be honest about our current situation. What kind of steps do we take, as men and women, to treat each other with respect? It starts young, and personally I think the key is education and active participation. Awareness is good, but light years away from prevention.

It's a tangent, but if I may circle back to Liz, she set a precedent that it is never to late to trust in our legal system, it is never to late to report a crime (in her case, again) If you were ever looking for that open door, she opened it for you. So bless her for that, and all that she gives survivors.

What you also may not know is that Liz is funny as hell, so if I'm needing a laugh, I'll probably go here. Lucky me; I can call her too.