speaking up and giving in: the wellness post

cupping-day three. day one -don't even ask


It's been, let's say, a challenging week. I'm thinking of a theme for this charmer and I'm going to call it "stepping on my face in stilettos".

On Monday the wicked witch of the east visited my back molar and poof, my gum blew up over where my tooth was supposed to be but I couldn't see it anymore. A shooting pain in my head and a fever had me speed dialing every friend begging for a dentist that they solemnly swear to love, honor and respect for the rest of their life. You see, since moving to LA I've been to five dentists - one who scared me with her sterile personality and meanness (she is probably very competent but dentist chairs are scary enough, a dentist shouldn't be scary too), the next had such a rude office assistant yelling at me to phone my HR department because she couldn't figure out how to call dial 1800METLIFE, another who scammed me out of money and did some bad dental work, to the second to last who did goodness knows that led me to overnight balloon face.

You hear about scary dr's but I'd never experienced it quite like this - I thought I was way too picky to fall prey. Prey I have been. My dear friend who went through serious dental drama referred me to a dentist who rocked it. He was professional, kind, had a personality, talked me through it and scared me just enough to take my medicine like clockwork. His office called me today to see how I was feeling (wow). My tooth was abscessing from the bad work (and a bad tooth) and it had spread to my sinuses. Very bad and very painful. I'm on antis and eating on one side of my mouth. Upside: Yogotango.

Lesson learned: lotsa dentists are out for your money. If your friend only had their teeth cleaned and you need major work, that recommendation isn't worth a travel toothbrush. Move on, keep asking. Drive. Fly. Trust me, it's worth it.

Because my face is a mess and my neck and back were completely knotted by the whole affair, my acupunturist skipped my endo and treated my mouth and back issues. "I'm going to do cupping" she said. I love her, she's the only person who has ever been able to effectively and seriously minimize my pain so I wasn't really listening. I've had cupping before - for those of you who don't know, it's when they adhere glasses with a flame suctioned on to your back. Doesn't hurt, just pressure. I forgot to ask about the marks. Oh the marks! Seven days of ginormous purple bruiselike circles all over my back. And of course, the sun came out today. Can't wait to scare the neighborhood in my tank tops!

The reason I write this is that some of this could have been avoided if I had spoken up. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Just because someone is a dr. and/or an "expert" doesn't always make them right. What if I had a back modeling job - ok fine - a gala event this week?

As a survivor I should know better but I'll cut myself some slack. My face is healing, I found a great dentist, and the cupping will actually do wonders for all the pain the other dentists put me through.
Another kind of speak out.

Work-shopping at SBCC

Kaylie, Caitlin, Vanessa, Me, Brian and Thaddeus - Sigma Chi Eta, SBCC

After months of working with a Reno NV group planning a safety day for their community and doing some online outreach to students at SBCC and UNR, I headed a few hours north to speak at a workshop produced by SBCC's Sigma Eta Chi and sponsored by the President's office and Communications Department.

Knowing that the community was grieving the loss of the much loved Brianna Denison, I hoped for a full house. The school did a great job promoting the workshop as most of the seats were filled on this Tuesday afternoon in the middle of classes and so very close to finals.

I was greeted by two incredible women: Professor Sarah Hock and Sigma Chi Eta's president, Vanessa Gonzalez. Bright eyed and so very welcoming, I knew that if asked to do so, I would make this trip a thousand times over. We put out RAINN posters, call cards, and flyers and syched up the tech stuff. David disappeared into the almost full room as Sigma Chi Eta rolled their presentation and introduced today's speaker. I listened as if it were a stranger until I heard my name. Oh right, that's me (sometimes I forget). To make that quick change to survivor/activist takes a second - you are you, and then you are the you that has a story to tell. It's what I call turning the light on so that other survivors and co-survivors can find me. It's always on, really, but on stage it becomes a spotlight.

The topic was creating a safer campus but in order for people to care about anything I have to say, they have to know why I'm there to begin with. So to begin I go back to 1996. And then the aftermath. Now we can talk about now. Creating a campus isn't tearing up a street or installing more lights in darker places (although that is helpful), it's about caring and protecting your community - yourself and the people around you. College is another family. You love your chosen family - you respect and protect them. It takes courage to speak about a taboo subject - not for me so much as students who want to just be as much as they want to trust their environment. It's a step towards some serious responsibility but in itself it is powerful just how much one word, one action can change your landscape.

I met some amazing people on my short trip to Santa Barbara and took a little piece of their hearts home with me. To Vanessa, Kaylie, Thaddeus and Brian - thank you for your kind hearts. To everyone was there or wasn't able to attend but still wrote to me, you know where you can find me, always. So keep writing - my love and admiration will be with you long after finals are over.

xxoo

Flowers are the best medicine

Thank you all for what David is calling the flower shop on Beachwood.

Here are a few

from NY & LA
gav remix from Scotland

vintage roses from NYC


yellow sunshine from LA

like singing the song that made you lose idol

stiff stuff by me

mixed media on chipboard, 2006

it's been that kind of day. last night there were flashbacks so bad I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. It's still there, hanging around like a suspicious stranger near your front door with all the signs of danger. He could walk away, but where did he go? And even if he left, he's still with you behind your back, in the closet, underneath your eyelids.
Today was too much stress about not enough space. The missing piece ISO the big O; clearly not finding the right pieces that fit together.
What do you do when you don't want to ruin a moment? When you don't want to bring him into the house but you can't shake it?
You just go on. Sometimes it's all you, singing the song that made you lose in front of 11 million viewers. And you try to be graceful even though you are singing way out of tune. You try to smile, but it looks worse than a frown. But if you don't try to be good, to lose gracefully, they'll slam you and say, wow, she's so ungrateful
I haven't spoken to a group in a little while. It would help to sing for those who already know the words, and know just how painful every note can be.

what my hands would say

Oh, to have two web sites, an icky blog that became too personal to be public, and way too many social networking profiles (research, people!). Well, you just dust that computer keyboard and start over again.

I just moved into a new home so right now my head is in design blogs and magazines. The place is actually clean enough so that I may write again. So there's really no excuse, really. Right?

These days I'm thinking a lot about hands. Mine are unpainted and ragged from moving, cleaning, and the usual wear and tear. Does anyone actually still wear rubber gloves to wash dishes? I was thinking about hands that are all about trust, and commitment which always makes me think of the other hands. The ones that should never touch someone else's skin.

So here's what's in my lint collector today:
-chipped china dishes
-unanswered phone calls
-a pillow top mattress
-painfully short broken finger nails
-fi the apple


and here's what came out:

What My Hands Would Say
my fingers are chipped
like a cracked hairline china dish
split between now and you know when
i stopped seeing stars
fancy dinner patterns gone to waste

the sky is falling and I just might
the sky is crying that's just about right
i'll roll with you-- the thunder and the ache
i'll sing you to sleep even when you are not awake

hammer it out some -- peforate
spread the words out and hear them reverberate
not quite what you said
not like what your heart sounds like

we're twelve times removed
in and out of black and white