Intertwined

Is it possible that I used to be a far better artist and writer than I am now? If so, is there a way to reclaim that me? I can't go backwards and I don't want to copy my own material, but I how did I get here? I've taken a good look at my artwork, and the most consistent and impressive work that may still be on par with the old me is my writing.

I was looking for a poem I wrote back in 1996 called Sally Doll. I found the shiny turquoise folder with poems married together by a single paper clip and a yellow post it on the first page where I wrote "poems before the 'incident'". Sally Doll was in there - I wrote it two days before I was raped.

Underneath are poems I wrote after the "incident" as apparently I once referred to being raped. On top of all the words words words are letters of recommendation from RAINN, NYSCASA, two mixed media project proposals, photocopies of grants I applied to (one of which I received) and correspondence between me and Lorie (my mentor and once Tisch Photo department head) and Debbie (once RAINN Executive Director). So ambitious. So determined. I remember it so well. I remember the blanket girls did not want me to follow this path - they wanted me to take the job at George Magazine , where I met JFK Jr. carrying white tulips to his office.

It wasn't my decision - they hired internally. It certainly would have been a different life altogether. Instead I am here. And you know, this is who I was before the "incident" and I'm still very dedicated to Sheila's photographs. I don't question why I was asked to take self portraits of a character partly based on me and a woman who was raped two days before I was. I recognize that I am her, not the woman, but the woman I became in the photograph - when I was thinking of how it would feel. Now I know. I am proud of my past, and proud of the me now. Somebody's gotta be. I feel like I should resurrect one of these project proposals, throw the clip off the before and after and write it all on the wall. Something's got to stick. Life is too messy for it to peel off so easily.

Debbie was my angel. She's in my bio - she should be someone I give thanks to every night. I do through my work - at least I hope so. And whatever it is that I do, I do much of it in her honor. She was the first to believe in me. The rest is paper clip metallic history.

So here's Sally Doll (next post)